Hilly's Tea Shop, Shere, Surrey

If, like me, you try to avoid restaurants or cafes that insist on abbreviating 'coleslaw' as 'slaw' or use the word 'leaves' instead of 'salad', then you're certainly on the right track in life. You're probably dissatisfied with many other things, like high street coffee retailers with their run-of-the-mill English Breakfast teabags or their mass-produced cakes and tarts, or those eating establishments that insist on offering crushed avocado in sandwiches made with sourdough bread, the most disgusting bread in the world; but these sort of establishments exist and they're multiplying because those running them think they're doing us all a huge favour, although often they get confused. They think that by putting a few paltry slices of avocado in a sandwich they're doing their bit for healthy eating, forgetting, of course, that adding bacon and mayo kind of negates the whole exercise. It doesn't matter where I go, there's no escape...even in quaint little villages like Shere in Surrey.

I'll admit, I dabbled, and while it was fine if I tried my best to ignore the words 'leaves' and 'slaw' and 'sourdough' - all three of which were on the menu of the restaurant I chose for lunch - the fact that I left without eating cake proved to be the best thing I did all day. Why? Because when I hit the fresh air of early September and started to walk towards the church, I passed Hilly's Tea Shop and considered a stop for tea and cake after a brief religious interlude that didn't really happen as a wedding was in full swing and a herd of tottering women caked in foundation were stampeding towards me and I was forced to retreat and go back towards Hilly's.

It was decided we would have tea and cake to round off the afternoon and so we crossed the threshold of Hilly's Tea Shop and headed for an excellent table by the window. What a treat it turned out to be, a huge slice of England, a large dose of Miss Marple and a great discovery: Hilly lives, she's real, it's her place and she firmly believes that 'a scone must be eaten on the day it is made', not that I ordered one. 

Her red Toyota Aygo was parked outside and she came over to discuss a white Fiat that had somehow managed to park in a very tight space, almost bumper-to-bumper with her compact and bijou ride. She was pleased when I guessed that she was Hilly and wanted to know what I thought of her Bakewell tart, but I couldn't really tuck in until my pot of tea was sufficiently brewed and I would have to wait for the white sand in a small 'hour' glass to trickle from the top to the bottom of the glass, which rested on a tiny rectangular tray alongside a very English, floral-patterned teapot and a dainty cup and saucer. There was a tea strainer too and at that moment I realised I would be drinking proper tea. No teabags at Hilly's!

The best cup of tea in the world and a decent slice of Bakewell tart!

The Bakewell tart was good, very good, but the tea stole the show. I haven't enjoyed a cup of tea for many years. That sounds silly, I know, but it's true. I've put up with the crap offered in every single 'high street branded restaurant' I could think of. I can't remember the last time my thirst was quenched by a decent cup of Rosie Lee, but here I was, in Hilly's Tea Room, enjoying the best cup of tea in the country if not the world.

For two ample pots of amazing tea, a slice of Bakewell tart and a slice of banana bread the bill was just £16... and worth every penny.

Ardingly Cafe, Ardingly, Sussex

Do you ever find yourself wandering around looking for somewhere fairly decent to eat a snack and not really finding anything other than a pub, which, for me, is always the last resort these days. Who wants frozen chips and over-priced food and drink? Not me! I was driving around looking at fireplaces, and was having little joy in my quest for a decent cafe. Somehow or other I found myself in Ardingly and I was teetering on entering a pub, unwillingly. But then I was struck by a small cafe, quite simply called Ardingly Cafe, written in squiggly yellow letters over a light grey background. Thank you, Lord, I said quietly to myself as I parked up and trudged past the pub towards my destination.

The Ardingly Cafe in Ardingly, West Sussex, UK

There were around four people in there, four men and a dog. We took a seat and was greeted by a very pleasant lady of South East Asian extraction, I think she said she was Malyasian, who provided us with menus to peruse. Breakfast, I noted, was served all day so there was no chance of Michael Douglas, machine gun in hand, saying, "Have you ever heard the expression 'the customer is always right?'

For a tenner you get two rashers of bacon, one sausage, hash browns, grilled tomato, mushrooms, baked beans and toast. Or there's The Big One for £12, which is the same, but you get two of everything, or The Little One, which is one of everything and will set you back £8. 

Light lunches are also available including Marmite mushrooms and a poached egg on sourdough toast (£7.50) - now that sounds rather interesting. There's also avocado smash (£10) served with poached egg, pesto tomatoes and roasted pumpkin seeds, Chorizo eggs (£10) with avocado, cherry tomatoes and either a fried or poached egg. And what about a wild mushroom and spinach bruschetta with garlic oil and a poached egg, that'll set you back a tenner. There's homemade soup at £7.50 and a selection of sandwiches ranging from £4 for a straightforward cheese variety to £6.50 for either a BLT, tuna or ham and cheese with pickle or onion chutney. And let's not forget Eggs Benedict for a tenner served with poached eggs, outdoor reared ham, Hollandaise sauce, balsamic spritz and fresh rocket.

Inside the calming Ardingly Cafe. 

Fried egg sandwiches, bacon sarnies, sausage sarnies - great 'caff' staples, but also pancakes, porridge, toast on its own, French toast (very rare for a caff) egg or beans on toast, this was definitely a caff to be reckoned with. 

I ordered a plain sausage sandwich and a mug of tea (a decent mug of tea) and I was made up. I could have eaten another one, but refrained from doing so and while I considered a cake, they simply weren't THAT inviting so I declined. I'm not saying they weren't any good, they were fine, but they didn't say 'eat me'. 

The eating environment was very pleasant and relaxing. There was laminated wood flooring, mustard-coloured tablecloths and plenty of light thanks to a large front window and windows to the right hand side of the caff. Actually, that word 'caff' doesn't really do it justice, although I wouldn't call it a restaurant, so perhaps 'cafe' on this occasion. And let's not forget a brick design wallpaper, a framed city scape painting and, most importantly, a wonderful vibe of peace and tranquility that I think was all down to the laid back proprietor and her mum. I'm not sure if mum was anything to do with the running of the place, but she added a pleasantness that means one day I will return. This was an of oasis of calm, a place to step into and enjoy while the moment lasts. As Arne would say, "I'll be back!"

Soprano's in Sevenoaks

I've been visiting Soprano's in Sevenoaks for some time. It's one of those places where you know you're going to get some good food. I'm not saying it's something special. No, it's a caff at the end of the day, but in all honesty, caffs are where it's at, they always have been. Simple. If I had to guess how many times I'd visited this particular caff, I'd say half a dozen times, not that many, but I know one thing: it's a place I can trust for a good snack. And trust is the crux of everything.

Soprano's in Sevenoaks, 30 September 2023

I was there today (30th September 2023). But I narrowly dodged a bullet. Those with me wanted to go to Wagamama, but no, anything but that I was thinking! Fortunately there were huge queues outside of the place so I thought we'd head to Sopranos instead, although that's not strictly how things happened. My companions had been to Soprano's already - while I was parking the car. They found it full and sent me a text saying they were heading for Wagamama instead. I really wasn't that happy, but fortunately I passed it before they did and noticed the huge queues. We headed back to Soprano's where a vacant table certainly lifted my spirits.

We were shoe-horned in and handed laminated menus. Two salmon pancakes were ordered and I chose a traditional Tuscan flatbread (Jerzy Piadina) filled with chicken, pesto and cheese. And it was that last ingredient that was nagging at me. When I examined the menu I soon realised that virtually every dish included cheese, it was hard to avoid it. But there was no point going elsewhere. 

There were problems. The waiter committed the ultimate sin: he tried to upsell us with a portion of chips. We didn't want chips but he foisted them upon us and I wasn't quick enough to notice what he'd done. That was annoying. So annoying that it coloured our entire experience. We felt a little bit conned and I hate that. There's nothing worse. In fact, it was so annoying and affected everything and will probably mean that we don't visit Soprano's for a very long time. Why? Because we will always remember it and that will drive us to find somewhere else to eat until, one day, we forgive them. It's amazing how small things can change my entire relationship with a restaurant. One of my favourite all-time 'caffs' is the Pop Inn in Redhill. I used to go there all the time and slowly made my way through the menu, loving every minute of the place, getting to know the staff and so on. Recently, however, I asked for one piece of toast and marmalade and was told by the waitress that I have to order two slices. I did, but I have now resolved never to go back there. Why couldn't I have just one slice of toast? There was no reason and that's why I'm not going back there for a very long time.

The bill for the two salmon pancakes, the Jerzy Piadina, the infamous small portion of chips, a cappuccino, a pot of tea and a hot chocolate was £36.35.

Coffee at Kiwi House, Limpsfield Village, near Oxted, Surrey

Riding down Titsey Hill on a bicycle weighing up my options: do I turn right and head towards Oxted where a choice of Starbucks, Costa Coffee, Caffe Nero and a couple of independents nestle quietly in the High Street awaiting my custom or do I bear left and ride through Limpsfield Village where I think there's an independent coffee shop. If I opt for the latter will it be open, is it still there? It doesn't matter as I can always double back, head up Granville Road and ride into Oxted for cup of chain store cappuccino.

Coffee at Kiwi House, Limpsfield Village, Surrey

Fortunately, it was open and it was called Coffee at Kiwi House, a rather strange name for a coffee shop, but what a wondrous place! Wooden floors and furniture, a little bit on the trendy side, run by women (the best coffee shops are run by women!) and there was also a very feminine edge to the clientele too. Alright, there were two men in there, chatting away, plus yours truly, but there were more groups of women, some old, some young and the vibe was laid back and friendly.

Cappuccino and an almond croissant

And now I'm going to make a huge claim. I would argue that the cappuccino I enjoyed at this great establishment was, by a mile, the best I've experienced... anywhere in the world - and believe me when I say I've had my fair share of frothy coffee in stores throughout Europe and in the USA. Now, you might think that an extravagant claim, but I stand by it in the same way that, up until recently (and I'll qualify that word 'recently' in a minute) I would argue that the best almond croissant I've ever eaten was purchased from an AMT Coffee kiosk on East Croydon station. Recently, however, there appears to be either none left or they've stopped using that particular supplier. And talking of almond croissants, the ones on offer at Coffee at Kiwi House are certainly 'up there'; they're a million times better than anything I'm likely to experience in a chain operation and I would say that my purchase of a cappuccino (the best in the world) and an almond croissant (let's for now say the second best in the world) was well worth the money spent. I can't remember exactly how much, but let's assume it was in the region of £7. 

I sat there looking out of the window and then perusing the laminated menu left on the wooden table. It was nice to be in the warm and I certainly wasn't looking forward to going back outside, jumping on the bike and riding up the rather daunting Titsey Hill. And that, of course, is the problem with coffee shops in general: you're not there for the long haul, it's a quick fix, a coffee, an almond croissant and then you must be on your way. 

The all-day menu had plenty to offer the weary and the not so weary. Scrambled egg made with three free range eggs (£7.50); avocado and tomato with coriander, extra virgin olive oil and lime (£8.00). Both the scrambled eggs and the avocado are served with either wholemeal or white bloomer, bagel or toast (gluten free); and let's not forget the additional extras ranging from grilled tomatoes (£1.25); baked beans (£2.00); sliced avocado (£2.50); sausages or bacon (both £2.75) and then smoked salmon (£3.25). A toast portion is £3.00 with an extra £1 charge for sourdough. Home-made granola will set you back a fiver, creamy porridge is £3.50 and then there are a range of panini breads for £6.75, fairly pricey sandwiches ranging from £7 for thick smoked bacon or pork sausages up to a staggering £9.75 for an egg, bacon and sausage sandwich - although I can't vouch for what you get for the money (that's why a return trip is needed). I'm guessing, based on my assessment of the place and having enjoyed the ambience with a coffee and croissant, that it's good and filling and not disappointing, I just get that vibe from the place. Posh Cheese on Toast comes at a posh price (£7.50) although it is served with a side salad as is a home-made quiche, which also comes with salad. There's a ploughman's lunch which will set you back £9 or £11 depending on what you have - sliced ham, mature Cheddar or brie. Two choices for the lower price, three for top dollar.

My almond croissant set me back £3.00. A plain one costs £2.50 and is served with jam and butter. Cakes range from £2.50 to £3.50 for small and large varieties and believe me, the larger ones are large and look very impressive. Home-made scones and toasted tea cakes cost £2.75.

I sat there enjoying the vibe, enjoying the almond croissant and calmly sipping my cappuccino, which must have set me back just over £3.00. The price list is on a board behind the counter and I can't remember exactly how much it was. All I do know is that I'll definitely be making a return visit to sample the food on offer.

The Peckish Café, Haywards Heath, East Sussex...

There's a whacky music shop next door to the Peckish Café in Haywards Heath in East Sussex and I simply had to take a look before checking out the culinary delights of the caff, of which more later. I didn't spend more than a minute in the music shop as a change of ownership was underway. I spoke to the man who had taken over, who hailed from a more well-known establishment in London's Denmark Street, and he explained how there were big plans afoot for the shop, but from what I could see there was nothing but a jumble of musical instruments of all shapes and sizes. I figured I might be able to get a decent Fender Precision bass guitar for a next-to-nothing price - not that I can play a note, but I'm good at working things out and have always fancied sitting around at home on a cold winter's night trying to work out the bass line of this or that tune. The man started talking about some obscure brand of instrument for just £299 and I figured that it wouldn't be up to much so I made my excuses and left (and I won't be returning despite exhibiting a level of crazed enthusiasm for what the man was planning to do with the place).

You can see it from the train!

I bowled into the Peckish Café next door with all the bravado of a seventies television game show host and was immediately taken aback by the general finish of the place; let's just say it was a little, well, down at heel is probably the kindest way to describe it. I don't know about you, but when a place looks a little rough there's a strong chance that the food might be equally rubbish, although there was a fair choice of breakfasts and omelettes, 'jacked potatoes', main courses, paninis, sandwiches and what have you all at the sort of prices you might expect to pay in a 'caff' these days. And when I say 'the sort of prices you might expect to pay', I mean 'extortionate'. That might be a little harsh, but then it is a criticism of caffs in general where simple menu items (like, say, a chicken baguette) will cost the earth. Take, for instance, a chicken and pesto panini (not on the menu, but I asked for one as I preferred not to eat the chicken and cheese panini which didn't really appeal). They gave me an initial strange look – 'he wants to veer off of the main menu!' – but they agreed and soon, along with a large mug of tea that set me back a reasonable but oddly priced £1.59 – I was given my lunch. To be honest (because I'm nothing but honest on this blog) it was a little disappointing mainly because of its size; it was small and I expected more for the money, even if they did offer salad and I refused it. I guess the salad would have made it look a little more value-for-money than it was, but it was £5.49 for the panini and £1.59 for tea (why £1.59?) and together that added up to £7.08. I suppose, judging by the prices in other caffs it's on a par, but I still felt a little resentful paying just over seven quid for a tiny chicken roll and a mug of tea. And guess what? No dessert menu. I was in the mood for an apple pie and custard, but was told they don't offer them anymore. Why the hell not? Surely an apple pie and custard is a caff staple, or it should be. Clearly not at the Peckish Café where those feeling peckish might question the very name of the establishment if they can't order a simple dish like an apple pie.

Chicken and pesto pannini and tea

The general grubby nature of the decor was a little off-putting, especially when there was a large Waitrose café just across the road where, dare I say it, slightly more well-heeled people were on their iPads and doing things Waitrose people like to do; but don't get me wrong, I'm a caff lover through and through and places like the Peckish Café are always high on my agenda. I just think it could do with a lick of paint and some decent tables and a dessert menu... and they need to take a long hard look at their portion sizes. To me, caffs are all about big portions (huge portions) and value for money and for some reason the down-at-heel decor didn't do the Peckish Café any favours. Not that I was longing for the Waitrose Café, I wasn't, but the meal was just not cricket I'm afraid, something was amiss and it had plenty to do with portion size and no desserts. That said, I'm glad they didn't have any desserts because I'm in the mood for comfort eating at the moment (I need the comfort, believe me, I need it) and it would have been something else to fret about on the bike ride home. Talking of which, I need to change into my cycling gear and get out on the road!

Flavours, Warlingham Green, Surrey, United Kingdom

Discovering a new 'caff' on my doorstep is always cause for celebration, even if the caff in question has been in place for some time. I've passed by many times, but I've never been inside, until recently. It's one of those long and narrow affairs with a servery counter on the left as you walk in, widening out at the rear, and my favourite seat is right at the back in the left hand corner.

One of the best aspects of Flavours, well, actually, there are many 'best' aspects so let's discuss them one-by-one: first the full English breakfast consisting of sausage, bacon, fried egg, toast and a choice of either baked beans or tomatoes (choose the former as the only thing I don't like about it is the tomatoes. Why? Because they're tinned plum tomatoes and for me, they're only good when used to make chilli con carne or spaghetti bolognaise, although, to be honest, my preference would be for tinned chopped tomatoes. How true this is I don't know, but somebody once told me that tinned tomatoes - be they plum or chopped - are better for you healthwise that actual tomatoes.

The Full English at Flavours, Warlingham

The second plus point of Flavours is the fact that they make their own millionaires shortbread. The 'lady of house' is in charge of these and I think the man (who I'm guessing is her other half) makes the breakfasts, although there is help in the kitchen so who knows who does what, I'm just guessing.

A third plus point is that the people working there: they're friendly, they like a chat, they put you at ease and that's all you want at all times, to be put at ease, to feel relaxed and in safe hands.

I've only ever had the full English breakfast plus a mug of tea, everything else seems to pale into insignificance, if that's the right phrase; it's the place to go when you're in the mood for a full English, a good old nosh up, and for two people it will cost you around £20 if you indulge a little and order a millionaire's shortbread.

I mentioned tea, and for good reason: it's excellent and it comes in a decent-sized white mug. It's been a few months since I last visited and now that I'm writing this I feel I ought to go again and soon. Well, to be honest, since that last sentence was written I have been there again. I was there just the other day, last Saturday to be precise, and every time I visit I order the same thing, the Full English.

There is outdoor seating for hotter, drier days when customers can take in the fresh air and watch the hustle and bustle of Warlingham Green.

But there is a problem. They only accept cash and it doesn't matter how many times I go there, I always forget. Fortunately, there's a cashpoint virtually next door and a Co-op across the green that cashes money so I doubt you'll be caught out. Personally I think people who don't accept debit and credit cards are behind the times, but each to their own. All I know is that the food is good and it's always worth a visit. You can always assess the quality of a caff by the quality of its sausages and Flavours offers brilliant sausages with their full English breakfast, so I have no real complaints and will, no doubt, return again soon.

Skylight Diner, 402 West 34th St, New York, USA

It's been four months since I last found myself in New York City. The last time was because the hotel I was staying in stole my passport. I was in Pittsburgh, but had to travel to New York to get hold of an emergency passport in order to fly home. This time I was in New York for a better reason: I was on holiday.

Inside the Skylight Diner in New York...

There was (and is) plenty to do and see: the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Macy's, the 9/11 memorial and, of course, a traditional American diner.

I was staying in the NewYorker Hotel on 34th Street, a great place, it has to be said, and an even greater concierge who knew just the place to visit for breakfast.

The Skylight Diner was just across the road and I couldn't wait to have a big breakfast. And by 'big' I only really needed a bowl of porridge and fresh fruit, just like what I eat at home. Here in the USA, they call porridge oatmeal and I ordered a huge bowl of it along with strawberries, blueberries and sliced banana (see photo below). That and a cup of Lipton's English Breakfast tea (decaff) was very English, but it was all I wanted. I could have eaten much more; there was, for example, a whole section devoted to omelettes hovering around the $9 to $12 mark. How about an avocado omelette ($10.95) or an egg white low cholesterol omelette ($12.45) and containing peppers, onions, mushrooms, tomato and basil. There's a classic Denver omelette containing ham, peppers and onions ($10.95) or an Anthony Quinn omelette with tomato and feta cheese ($12.45).

Oatmeal with fresh fruit - wonderful!

There's pancakes and French toast (I love French toast) and there's steak too, like an NY boneless strip steak and two eggs ($19.95). There are breads and pastries, egg white breakfast wraps, variations on an egg sandwich, yoghurts, cereals, tea, coffee, soda, it's all here at the Skylight and it's retro, just like I'd expected it to be and I would have gone back for more, but it all adds up and there's a Pret on 8th Avenue that sells oatmeal, a large cup of English Breakfast tea, and an almond croissant for far less than I paid for breakfast at the Skylight, but that's not what it's about. Yes, you can pay less for your breakfast at a Pret, but the Skylight is the real deal and that's all that matters.